I’m like a Magician…

Im a bit like a magician, I’m here one minute and then POOF! gone the next.

Sometimes my depression creeps back in and I get stuck in my head for a little while.

When this happens all my feelings and thoughts shut down and its a struggle to function and get from one day to the next.

I neglect my friends, my family and my house.

And now that I blog, also my blog.

And I go and spend money on things I shouldn’t (nothing bad just clothes I dont need, lunch  out etc) just to try and make my self feel better!

It doesnt take away the numb feelinglessness (totally made a new word there!) that I feel inside, it just hurts my bank balance and causes me to feel guilty.

So if you notice me missing please dont forget me, I’m still here I’m just stuck 😦

I’m starting to claw my way back out of this black hole and return to my usual cheery self 😀

Ill have new blog posts appearing in the next few days so keep your eyes peeled.

NO means NO…but not to some…

They were volunteers with the local bush fire brigade. She had been involved with another brigade for a few years and got him involved when she joined the local brigade after moving. It was something she really enjoyed, and if he went too she could be assured that he wasn’t up to no good behind her back while she was training.

They went away for the weekend in his caravan for a big gala event for other volunteers in their zone. They had a pretty good time, enjoying all the activities that had been organised for the weekend. Their team even won the skills challenge.

There was no anger, no fighting everything was peaceful and happy.

Until the last morning.

Now she had never been one to knock back a partners sexual advances. She enjoyed sex and knew that men wanted/needed it more than most women. And she felt quite pleased after satisfying the sexual hunger of her partner. But being pregnant and having just had a very full weekend she didn’t feel like it on this particular morning. And she told him that no she didn’t want to that day she wasn’t feeling the best. But he didn’t care. He wanted it and that’s all there was to it. Most of the other campers had left the camping grounds by that time. She didn’t want this to happen. She wanted him to stop but there was no one around to hear her yell for help, and she feared that if she yelled for help god knows how he would react and what he would do to her either now or later.

She thought it would be easier to just go along with it than start a fight that could turn into a physical one.

So she kept her mouth shut and put up with him grunting and groaning on top of her till he was finished.

Afterwards she felt ashamed and used.

He constantly told her he loved her so how could he do this to her?

The Fighting

They had many verbal fights, couples quite often do which is fairly normal.

Its not normal when they turn to physical fights.

Like the morning they were in bed still drowsy and chasing dreams from the night before, enjoying the warm sun seeping in through the open curtains.

She cant even remember how the argument started, but he was calling her a liar about something.

She a liar? No chance! She wasn’t the one chatting up teenage girls and trying to hide it.

He elbowed her in the ribs and she gave him a little kick back, next thing she knew her naked pregnant body was being dragged out of bed by her feet, him screaming at her that he was going to throw her out the window for kicking him.

She grabbed the bed sheets and held on as tight as she could filled with fear that her body would be dragged along the window sill and dumped out the window onto the rough concrete below.

She screamed and begged for him to stop.

He called her a bitch and stupid slut for kicking him (obviously forgetting he elbowed her in the ribs or just thinking that he had every right and reason to do that to her).

He demanded an apology or she was going out the window.

She knew he didn’t deserve an apology but the only way to stop this was to apologize so she told him she was sorry.

He let her feet go and she dropped to the floor like a floppy rag doll and there she stayed for awhile, dragging a blanket off the bed to cover herself.

So many thoughts were racing through her mind…

Where did this anger come from?

Would this happen again?

How could she stop this from happening?

How alone she felt not having any friends in town, no where to go to get away from him for a couple of hours.

She did have distant relatives not too far away but she hardly knew them and didn’t want to drag them into this. It wasn’t their problem, it was hers and hers alone.

Suspicion

She wanted to meet his friends, he said he didn’t have any except the annoying neighbour who showed up nearly every night right on dinner time wanting a feed.

Then who was he so busy texting all the time?

One morning while he was in the shower she decided to sneak a look at his phone to see if she could find out who he was spending all his time texting.

To her horror she discovered he was texting a 14 year old school girl

14?!?!

What kind of 27 year old bloke texts a 14 year old school girl?!

A sick one.

So many different thoughts went running through her mind.

He abused her and denied ever meeting the girl although the messages mentioned she had seen him out and about town.

He deleted the messages and the girls number and assured her he would never contact her again.

Being so far from her family and friends and wanting desperately to believe that everything was fine she accepted this and was reluctantly happy to move on from this deception, but in the back of her mind she kept wondering…

Was he lying to and misleading her about other things?

And so it began…

She knew he had two beautiful little girls that lived a few hours away with their mother, he called them a few times and arranged to have the girls for a weekend. Of course they had to take her car and she had to drive and pay for the fuel.

He spoiled those girls rotten, spending a few hundred dollars on clothing for them. Ignoring her the whole weekend except to ask her to cook for them and clean up after them. She understood he wanted to spend time with his girls but he didnt need to treat her like a slave whilst doing so.

One day whilst sorting out junk so she could fit more of her things into the house and display things nicely she found paper work requesting a paternity test to determine whether or not he was the father of a child he had not mentioned to her before. When questioning him about this child she was told it wasnt his, she was a sl*t and it was the other guys child.

But he wouldnt do the paternity test…

The other guy did and it turned out it wasnt his child.  So he was court ordered as the father of the child and therefore liable for child support.

She couldnt understand why he swore the child wasnt his yet he would not do paternity test and get the child support liability removed. Every time she questioned this she was abused and yelled at that it was none of her business.

This was just the first of many abusive encounters she would have with him…

IN THE BEGINNING…

Once upon a time there was a girl who was very happy in her own skin.

She had a good job, great friends and then she met a guy.

She thought he was wonderful. He had it all, a good job, a fantastic place to live. He was caring and loving.

She fell hard for him. So hard in fact that she gave up her happy life surrounded by friends and family to be with him, moving hours away from all those who loved her. They spent all their free time frolicking in the warm summer sun, enjoying each others company.

Life was wonderful!!

They lived together on a farm that was suffering from the drought. But that didnt stop her enjoying the beautiful wide open spaces. Having acres and acres of farm and bush land to explore, private swimming holes in the creek that ran through the property, every day was like a new adventure. Waking to the mesmerizing sight of kangaroo’s nibbling on the front lawn each day. Too many mysterious dirt roads that went for miles and miles to explore. Surrounding farms rich with many different fruits and vegetables and other produce. One farm even grew sunflowers, field after field of bright yellow flowers bobbing away at the slightest breeze, oh what a gorgeous sight! There were so many new bugs she had never seen before and so many animals that she had never seen up close (like the red belly black snakes that would slither across the dry desolate fields or the deadly brown snake that would come slithering out of a pile of wood or bushes and the turtles swimming in the creek). There were farmers markets selling fresh locally grown produce at prices that you would never find in a supermarket. She felt at peace here with all this natural untainted beauty around her.

She worked hard at a local winery, earning good money and making new friends that were backpacking/working their way around the country, whilst feeling quite proud to be helping to produce an Australian owned and made product that was sold and enjoyed by many worldwide.

Finding out she was pregnant was quite daunting yet exciting at the same time. There were no words to describe the true beauty of the feeling of having a life growing inside her, something created from miniscule parts of her and of him.

Life was wonderful!!

Or so she thought…